I met Lotti and her friend for breakfast at a cafe in Yelapa, Mexico. The friend said to me: “Yeah, Lotti got out of a relationship and was doing some healing. She developed this unconditional love for herself, and she met her soulmate like five minutes later.” This is the full story.

When Lotti met Martín, she wasn’t looking for love.

Actually, she wasn’t looking for anything. Right before meeting Martín, Lotti had just ended her last relationship. She was doing a ton of post-relationship self-reflection when she had the sudden realization: She didn’t love herself. And if she couldn't love herself, how could she love others?

Sure, we’ve heard that in books. But it’s one thing to know it and it’s another to embody it. With Lotti, she realized there was a disconnect between her voice and her heart. “I wasn’t using my voice in relationships,” she said. “I was scared to speak my truth.”

“I was afraid of my own voice,” she said. “When this became clear, I really found a deeper love for myself, and I learned how to better speak my truth.”

For Lotti, it was a genuine self-love — not in the “say-that-you-love-yourself-so-good-things-happen-to-you” kind of way. And days later, to great surprise, love walked into her life.

Lotti and Martín met in a coffee shop in Squamish, British Columbia. It was called the Zephyr Cafe. Lotti was on a climbing and dirtbagging trip and, after six straight days of climbing, was in desperate need of a shower and warm meal. “I just wanted someone else to cook me breakfast,” she said.

She got to this cafe and the whole place was packed. She didn’t know anyone there. There was a group of people with one open seat, and they let Lotti join. Next to her was a young man, his name was Martín. Gradually, folks from the group dissipated, and soon enough it was only the two of them. He was going for a climb, he said, would she like to join?

Lotti was pretty burnt out. Her body was sore. But this particular rock climb was one she’d been wanting to go on — and she finally had a person to guide her there. And as I mentioned, Lotti had no interest in anything romantic. “I thought he was interesting, but I wasn’t interested,” she said.

*

They first went to Martín’s home so he could change. “It’s fascinating seeing where and how someone lives, especially when they haven’t had time to prepare for you,” she said. “You learn how they keep their things. How they decorate. How they smell.” (For the record, his place smelled good, she said).

They got to the climb. For this one, they’d repel down into this gorgeous valley over glacier-fed waters, and then they’d climb back up.

They started making their way down. At one point, they were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on a cliff together, getting their ropes ready. “Out of the blue, my heart just started fluttering,” Lotti said. “Then a very clear voice came into my head, and I’ve never experienced anything like that before. It said: This man is going to be the father of your children.”

“And I kinda freaked out.”

As soon as she could, Lotti jumped up and immediately started repelling downward. It wasn’t that she didn’t like the information; it just came on so sudden and strong. “It would’ve been great if I had that realization maybe as I was on a walk, or sitting alone at night. But on the side of a mountain? With someone I literally just met?”

She gradually collected herself. And once she did, they spent the next 72 hours together.

On Lotti’s final night, they went for a moonlit climb up to a ledge. She was due to go home the next day. Martín wanted to know what would happen when she left. “And then, it was the sweetest thing ever — he leaned over and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend.”
They’ve been together ever since. And just like the voice said, he’s the father of their two kids — Zephyr and Sequoia.

*

Martín and Lotti share a special relationship. As her friend at breakfast told me: They’re the type of couple where magical things happen to them, like all the time. Both have a truly warming and magnetic presence. They just feel good to be around.

When I heard their story, my immediate reaction to Lotti was: How’d you do it? How’d you develop self-love?

For her, it was a personal and very spiritual process — aided by mystical experiences and ceremonial meditations. I wasn’t planning on any big retreats anytime soon, so I wanted another way. And then it hit me:

Self-love is a series of repeated actions and steps toward your most alive, empowered self.

For me, those actions are:

Honoring my intuition
Asking for what I want & taking risks
Opting for healthy habits and behaviors
Identifying and honoring personal boundaries
Speaking my truth in the moment

I’ll share a short story of my own.

I met a young woman recently. We were solo diners eating together at a shared table in a restaurant, and we got to talking. Not only did she have a sound, sharp personality, but as the night wore on, I realized she was quite gorgeous. After dinner, we went to get drinks to continue the conversation. There was a bar nearby where she knew the bartender, and she’d been wanting to go.

I sensed there could have been an interest from her but I didn’t know for sure. I knew I was attracted. At the bar, she had a familiar, almost flirty connection with the bartender. I wanted to know if she was involved with him romantically. I also knew that asking this question could imply I was interested, and I had a fear in showing my cards; was I ready to do that?

My heart started pounding. I could’ve easily not done it, and I remembered some old advice: These are the types of moments you’re best to lean into; don’t shy away from them. So I asked.

No, she said, she’s not with him. And astutely, a few moments later, she asked why I wanted to know. I gulped. “Because I’m attracted to you,” I said. “And I’d rather ask about your status then sit here and wonder about it.”

WHEW!

In short, she wasn’t interested back in that way. And that was fine. Because when I left the bar, I felt like I was on fire. Pride and self-esteem oozed. And after going on a ledge like that, for one of the first times in a long time, I felt it — I truly loved myself.

Sure, my soulmate didn’t arrive that next night. My realization also wasn’t as sudden nor as profound as Lotti’s. Self-love is as much a practice as it is a personal journey. But when you use something repeatedly, it becomes stronger. And thanks to Lotti’s story, I also know that once true love becomes embodied within you, it’s only a matter of time before it’s reflected back from someone else.

Finding Your Soulmate in the Canadian Valley of Love

When It All Burns Down